Exploring with your spouse what is occurring on their side when you are worried about or recovering from infidelity is challenging territory. Feelings tend to be strong and emotions are raw.

This worksheet is designed to help you both explore more of what has or is going on in a way that invites open, productive conversation instead of accusations and defensiveness. You’ll need first rate Effective Listening skills to complete this guided conversation. Use the Suggested Activities on the right to brush up your skills before you start.

Sit together either at the computer or with a printed version of this sheet. Ask your spouse each question in a calm, supportive tone. If you’re having a hard time keeping the tone calm and supportive, take a break, walk around the block, get a glass of water, and come back when you’re able to keep going in Effective Listening mode.

Likewise, your job is to find what is right, makes sense, or what you can relate to in your spouse’s responses. If you find yourself wanting to judge, accuse or debate, take a break and return to the dialog when you’re ready to listen again. Remember, your job is to LEARN about your spouse.

1. I’ve been feeling uncomfortable about ___________________. What’s your perception of what’s going on there?

2. How do you feel when you talk/text/e-mail with ___________?

3. How are you feeling about the level of connection and intimacy (physical and emotional) between us?

4. What is your image of your relationship with __________? What do you like about your interactions with ________?

5. What would you like to see different in our marriage?

6. What do you see as most concerning or potentially risky/hurtful about your interactions with ________?

7. What do you most enjoy about me/us?

8. Looking back, how did you start connecting with ______? What might you have done differently?